The Jedi are stupid

I was looking for another way to phrase it, but really, there isn’t one. The Jedi are just plain stupid.

Why do they get wet when it rains? If I had the force under wraps like they do, I’d be whooshing those drops away every damn time.

And then there’s this. When the first Star Wars movie opens, we’ve got all kinds of Jedi running around, and no Sith. No manifestation of The Dark Side. All good, no bad. In fact, there hasn’t been Sith “for a millennia,” Yoda says. He paints a picture of the Republic where the Jedis have the upper hand, and have for a long time.

So, with that, I really don’t understand this: “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering. This is the path to the Dark Side.” What the hell is he talking about? With no Sith, there hasn’t been a “Dark Side” for any path to lead to. Jedi — they defy logic on a daily basis — he might as well have said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering. This is the path to becoming a Vampire.”.

And with that comes the whole thing with “the Prophecy.” Samuel Jackson, aka Windu (yes, I had to look that up), talked about how there will come one who will restore the balance to the force. Balance, when they live in a little Jedi fantasy land that has no Sith in it. Lots-o-Jedi, and no Sith — yet somehow they think that the Force is out of balance, in favor of all that Dark Side stuff. The Jedi are stupid — all good, no bad, but they think that the prophecy will somehow help out the Jedi. It took me all of about 3 seconds to realize that the force was out of balance and that the little kid was going to tip the scales some against the Jedi. Back into, oh, I don’t know, balance.

And Obi-Wan. He going into the ol’ HAL 9000, looking for the planet Camino. (And he refers to it as being south of this other planet — south. Hello? South of what?) And gosh, it’s not there. The rest of the planets are still circulating around where he thinks it should be, but it’s not showing up in the mainframe system. It takes some 8 year old trainee’s to point out to him that the obvious explanation is that the automated system has been altered, and reference to the planet removed.

Yoda’s response, to the idea that someone (and it has to have been a Jedi) has hacked the HAL9000? Look into it? Launch an investigation? Call SYSAdmin?

Nope. “Meditate on this, I will.”

What a freakin’ idiot.

Oh, and since we’re geeking out to Star Wars stuff, let’s talk about the little green dude. When he dies of natural causes, Yoda is something like 900 years old. That’s at or near the end of Darth Vader / Anakin Skywalker‘s life. In those late years, he’s an old, fragile little dude, slow to move, feeble. If we assume that Darth Vader was, say, 60 when he died, we can guess that Yoda was 850+ when this whole Star Wars saga started. And back then, Yoda was young, spry, nimble, more than willing to toss aside the cane when a good fight breaks out. What’s up with that? In the last 7% of his life, Yoda completely falls apart — from bouncing around in massive light saber fights, to fumbling around with a cane. That I should hold up so well.

And in the first movie, Anakin is all of about 8, while Queen Hottie-Momma looks to be in her 20’s, at least (old enough to be elected queen). In movie II, we’re told that it’s been ten years. So, Anakin is, what, 18? Maybe 20? She still looks like a sophomore in college. “I’ve been dying a little bit every day, since you came back into my life” — she’s not in her late 30’s and saying crap like that, that’s for sure, unless all Queens of Naboobies are stupid, too.

3 thoughts on “The Jedi are stupid

  1. Here’s what one of my pilots thinks…. he’s got a lot of free time too.

    Firstly, your buddy unknowingly admits to giving in to the Darkside with his first opinion. I quote: “Why do they get wet when it rains? If I had the force under wraps like they do, I?d be whooshing those drops away every damn time.”. Quite unacceptable for a Jedi to use the Force for himself. Ergo, I find the rest of his diatribe
    to be suspect.

    Secondly, he continues on to mistakenly believe that the Sith are the Darkside itself rather than just the manifestation to which he refers. Yoda must continue to preach his “Yoda’s High Performance School of the Path to the Darkside” to every last Jedi around because the Force is all encompassing and total. Even the dark parts of it.

    When Mace Windu (and, no, I didn’t have to look that up…) refers to The Prophecy there is, in fact an imbalance between good and evil. Just because the Sith aren’t riding the train to work in broad daylight doesn’t mean the Darkside isn’t prevalent. Again we’re associating Sith as the Darkside, aren’t we? The Jedi see the imbalance manifest itself as more and more assignments to help quell fights throughout the galaxy. They are constantly on the go and even mention that they’re spread thinly. There is divisive political unrest right in River City. That’s Coruscant to you, by the way. Granted, there is no evidence of Sith but we now know that particular evil was always there with Palpatine….waiting.

    Speaking of Yoda, specifically his age I proffer this: Yoda is f’n old. He uses the Force during the first few episodes to fight because he’s f’n old. He’s what some of us refer to as uh, really f’n old. We see Yoda in hover chairs, seats and walking laboriously showing clearly that “he?s an old, fragile little dude, slow to move, feeble.” Sooooooo, when we see him barely existing on Dagobah hiding from the Sith it is totally appropriate for him to act his age. Besides, what is Yoda? Who, other than George Lucas, is to say that Yoda’s species don’t live la vida loca for eight hundred years and like Stephen Hawking for the last fiddy?

    Yeah, Obi-wan and Yoda pretty much screw the pooch. Obi-wan needs his hand held with the Camino discovery and Yoda fails, albeit admittedly, all together by not recognizing the growing threat and revenge of the Sith.

    As far as Padme being a super sweet MILF he’s spot on. Bottom line: Anakin wins.


  2. Interesting. Some problems:

    — To say that the Dark Side is not the Sith, but that the Sith is just a manifestation of the Dark Side, opens this to the argument that “Dark Side” is relative.

    — As such, who decides what is outside the scope of normal or acceptable usage of the Force, and to what means?

    Case in point: Queen Hottie Momma objects to any use of violence or anger in the conflict with the Trade Federation, when others — to include those peskie Jedi guys — were advocating confrontation.

    Their conflict. Queen Hottie Momma’s planet, vs. the Trade Federation, under the umbrella of the Republic. Not a conflict between the Trade Federation and the Republic, but the planet and the Federation.

    So, if the “Dark Side” is actually the viewed use of the Force, then really, the Jedi, in the eyes of Queen Hottie Momma and her posse, were errorneously using the Force in their conflict, and perhaps the Jedi and others were drifting towards the Dark Side.

    Egads. Jedis turing to the Dark Side. Say it ain’t so, little green man….

    The Jedi, clearly, do not have the corner on the market of doing what is right. “Right” is, therefore, relative — maybe they just have a higher batting average than most, but really, they are just more in tune with the power of the Force — a totally different thing.

    And, are you following how this is going to be like a knife through butter when it comes to the whole Prophecy thing, right? “A balance to the Force” would have nothing to do with right or wrong, with justice or injustice, but with the use of the powers associated with the Force.

    Maybe the Prophecy really was about the role the Jedi had been playing in support of the Republic. If that’s the case, then yes, our beloved Darth Vader did in fact bring a return of balance to the Force.

    Oh, and that whole “keeping the rain off of me” thing — clearly your friend has never been in a hellacious firefight. Coming in to land on that planet, where the clones were all being made, old Obi-Wan was getting pelted by the rain. Me, I’d have used the force to keep the rain off, to keep myself battle ready as I arrived, unannounced, onto a hostile planet while in pursuit of a bounty hunter. Call me nuts, but being battle ready seems kind of important, especially when you’re on a secret mission from the Jedi Council.

    And, since I’m into kicking the dead horse, what’s wrong with the Sith? The Force isn’t about right and wrong, it’s about the metaphysical superness and crap. So, really, Sith are just approaching life from the opposite side of the spectrum that the Jedi — a matter of opinion as to what is the best way to approach life and decision making. A matter of opinion on what is right and what is wrong.? Maybe it’s democracy vs. totalitarianism, maybe it’s freedom vs. terrorism — people, of free will, have the choice. How very jaded of the Jedi and the Republic to assume that they are right, to assume that, with all of their own acknowledged and unspoken faults, theirs was the true or even best way. And using the Force to enforce that? No wonder the Force was out of balance….

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