Art La Flamme

Oh, did you think I was kidding?? Yes, I next watched Alien vs. Predator.? And let me tell you, it was bad.? Really bad.

How bad?? Oh, let me count the ways.

It’s bad when the bad guy, who is not on his home turf and not familiar with the area, stops chasing the victim and goes and hides exactly where the victim is headed to hide.? This, my friends, is the opening scene of Alien vs. Predator.? Man, running through the complex, sneaks into a random building to hide, only to discover that the Predator has already chosen that one building as his place to hide and wait for the victim.

I had an old boss who once said, When elephants dance, the mice get the hell out of their way.? In the spirit of that I say this:

Attention humans.? When Aliens and Predators are fighting, get the hell out of their way!

Another thing.? I can’t get cell reception in some places of Germany, but they get cell reception on ice flows in Nepal?? That early scene in this film was an amazingly strong indicator that I would need to suspend my perception of reality.

The gist of this movie is that some rich guy, who has his own set of satellites (to include at least one that just stares at the Antarctic, which seems like a waste to me), detects a suddenly new heat signature in the middle of nowhere, Antarctic, that seems to be an underground pyramid.

A pyramid that has features of Mayan, Cambodian and Egyptian pyramids.? Oooooo, it’s the mother of all pyramids.? The link and proof that all pyramids are alien.? The link to the new Indiana Jones movie!? Yippee!

So, of course, the rich guy puts together a team and goes there.? And they have great success in finding it, before their rivals arrive (because all rich guys have satellites loitering over the Antarctic).

And the pyramid is, of course, the private playground of the Predators, who come to Earth and the pyramid in order to grow and hunt Aliens.

Suddenly, cell phone reception on an ice flow in Nepal seems so plausible.

When the humans / victims / food / crew gets down into the pyramid, they ended up being food for some of the Alien pods that are pre-positioned there, waiting for the next Predator hunt (which seems to be some sort of rite of passage).? Not all of them, mind you – just some of them.? This happens just as the Predators are landing and coming to the pyramid (which explains the sudden thermal signature that the satellites had picked up — they had turned on the heat remotely, in anticipation of their arrival and in order to wake up the Alien Momma so she could lay those eggs).

What I don’t understand is this:? If the Alien Momma laid the eggs, and the Predators were coming to hunt Aliens, what were the Predators planning on using as hosts for the eggs?? The Alien eggs need something as a host – a human, even a dog.? Something.? But these Predators came to a buried pyramid in Antarctica, a place devoid of life, and they arrived without anything for those precious Alien eggs.? Anyone have any ideas on this?? At one point, the Italian guy explains that the heat signature was to attract them — the humans.? That might work in this century, but in past ones?? Um, yeah — no.? Why build this giant underground pyramid someplace where humans don’t already live?

So, anyway, after that, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.? Some humans running around, targets for both Aliens and Predators alike.? He dies, she dies, everybody dies.? Some do it loudly, some do it grossly, but most all just do it.

Why all the hate?? Can’t we all just get along?

So, are you ready for some nit-noid comments?

1. When it’s really cold, like when you are, say, in the Antarctic, don’t batteries fare worse?? Yet everyone in this movie has all of their lights on, all the damn time.? To include their laser sights on their weapons.
2. As the Aliens and Predators fight, they really tear up the place.? They knock holes in walls, knows over things, crush other things.? But then the move started, the place was in pristine condition.? So, I ask you this:? Who made the repairs after the last time the Predators visited?? If they tear the place up this badly every time they get it on, the pyramid should have been in horrible disrepair when they all arrived this time.
3. Our great hero, the lady explorer, has all kinds of adventure experience.? Yet she’s in the Antarctic, and she’s running around without a hat on.? What gives?? Ooooh, there’s a storm coming, they say, and then we see little miss Hot Pants running around outside with no hat, no gloves, no jacket.? My momma woulda kicked me ass into next month if I’d pulled a stunt like that.
4. The Predators used metal chains to lock up Momma Alien?? Oh, yeah?? How’d they get or make those?
5. How come when an Alien knocks up a human, the new Alien pops out after what seems like minutes, but when they knock up a Predator, it takes forever?

Anyway, enough with all that.

• I did not pay to see this movie.? I would not pay to see this movie.
• I’ve seen all of the Alien movies.? I think I’ve seen all of the Predator movies (there were two, right?).? Somehow putting them together does not make them twice as good.? I think it makes them exponentially suckier.
• I would not recommend this movie, except to an insomniac who lives next door to a NetFlix distributor who was given a membership for free.
• If they made a sequel to this movie, I would not see it.? Well, I would see it, and I would tell you that I would not see it. If asked, I would deny everything, and if my wife came home early from her quilting group, I would turn it off quickly and tell her I was watching porn or something.
• It baffles me that someone said, “Hey, yeah – I’ll cough up $60 million to make this movie.”? I can’t even get people to buy me lunch.
• I can’t think of a reason why I would ever see this movie again.? Of course, I said that after the last time I saw it.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 4th, 2008 at 6:21 pm and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.