Art La Flamme

What?? You thought porn for be a forbidden topic?

Oh, please.

Behind the Green Door is a classic in American pornographic film.? Singlehandedly, it started the boom in the American porn industry.? It is as basic of an American cultural reference as Dirka Dirka jihad Dirka! and cheesy poofs.

By today’s standards, it really not a very good movie.?

What, you thought I’d actually review a porno?? Are you nuts?? I did that to keep my wife from reading on, and learning that I had, in fact, watched Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem.? Yes, I’d rather have my wife think I was watching porn, than have her think I was watching this.

AvP:R, as I like to call it, picks up exactly where the other one left off.? The dead dude from AvP has been loaded into the Predator space ship, for transport back to the home world.? All is good.? Except he had been hit with a face sucker and there was a hybrid Predator/Alien bastard (I can call it that, right?) growing inside him.

And, of course, it bursts out of his chest (he was already dead) and kills everything on board, and crashes the ship back into Earth.? Naturally, our little hybrid guy knocks up a few humans out in the woods – he doesn’t need a Momma Alien to make eggs, he can directly infect humans in a way that makes getting herpes seem like a good thing.

This, of course, would be all fine and dandy, except that those pesky Predators sent a distress message to their home world, and John Rambo Predator decided to answer.? Rambo might not be the best comparison.? Remember Mr. Wolf?? Or the Cleaner?? That might be a better analogy.? This dude comes all the way to Earth to clean it of any evidence of the Aliens — remember, they don’t want us little humans to know about the Aliens, and how they use them for sport and us as bait / gestation pods.

Now, the humans would be wholly slaughtered except for the ex-con who just got back into town, and the soldier who is just back from her deployment (mad props to the National Guard, I guess).? They do OK, but really, it’ the cleaner who handles the dirty work.? It ends with the mess cleaned, except for the Predator’s weapon, which falls into the hands of the government (oooooo, cue the sinister music).

He dies, she dies, everybody dies, and the government is bad.? Look out for dancing elephants, don’t step in ectoplasmic goo, vote for change, and avoid movies that only star B-grade actors.

• I did not pay to see this movie.? I would not pay to see this movie.? From here on out, I would not encourage anyone to involve any funds of any kinds with anything involving Alien and Predator.
• If you watched Rescue Me, you might — might - recognize our hero in this movie.? Might.? The female hero is Michelle from 24, which should not be enough to get anyone to see this movie.? No, she does not appear topless in this movie.? Seriously, if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, Oh, I love her, I should see this, run at full speed into the door.? Repeatedly.
• I would not recommend this movie, not even on a dare.
• If they made a sequel to this movie, I would not see it.? Well, I would see it, because I’m sure someone in my unit would buy it on our next deployment, and when all else in life had failed, I would watch it and bitch about it the whole time.
• Remember when I complained about someone coughing up $60 million to make the first AvP movie?? This represents $40 million, down the drain.? For $40 million, I could have bribed my wife into getting a boob job with squeek toys, which would have provided me with infinitely more entertainment than this film.
• I can?t think of a reason why I would ever see this movie again.? Of course, I said that after the last time I saw it.
• Want to know the saddest part?? This turd grossed more at the box office than the original Alien movie.

Oh, and PS, I wrote this using Firefox 3 in Windows on my MacBook Pro.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 5th, 2008 at 9:54 pm and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.