Art La Flamme

Luke Skywalker is a self-professed Jedi Knight. So, why is that?

Because he has a light saber? If you watch the movies, Jedis are always losing their light sabers. It’s something of a galactic epidemic. And with that, they are landing in the hands of all kinds of folks — General Grevous, for example, had a whole collection of them, and he was no Jedi. So, just having a glowing stick sword thing isn’t enough to be a Jedi.

Because the Force is strong in him? Well, no. The Force is in everyone and everything, and not everyone or everything is a Jedi. The Republic was ready to skip on ol’ Anakin when he was found, because he was “too old” — even knowing that his midi-chlorians were the highest ever recorded. There’s no benchmark for midi-chlorians levels, or the Force in someone. No Kelly Blue Book.

Because he graduated from the Jedi Academy? Well, no. He wasn’t identified at a young age, wasn’t brought into the bosom of the Jedi community, wasn’t raised and trained as one. He didn’t take part in the formal Jedi culture that had existed for the thousands of years of the Republic. He just picked up a light saber and went at it.

Because a Jedi trained him? Well, no. Yes, Yoda did train him, but no, that’s not enough. The Jedi Council confers the title of Jedi Knight — and if you recall, that frustrated the hell out of Anakin, as he felt he was ready / worthy of the title, and they did not. Just studying under a Jedi Knight isn’t enough.

I know what you’re thinking – by Luke’s time, there was no Jedi Council. Thus, there could be no new Jedi Knights.

Yep. I totally agree. Luke Skywalker — poser. He’s the Bill S. Preston Esq. of the future. He should not be calling himself a Jedi Knight — pick a new name for whatever it is that he thinks he is.

That’s that. 100 movies in 100 days. Well, 101 movies in 100 days, but it’s really not worth counting.

Top 5:
5. Juno
4. Big Lebowski
3. Traitor
2. Iron Man
1. Eagle Eye

Bottom 5:
5. Revenge of the Nerds 4
4. Walk Hard
3. Rambo
2. Imaginationland
1. Bangkok Dangerous

What I recommend you see:
5. Donnie Darko
4. The Dark Knight on IMAX
3. Double feature Night: Hellboy 1 & 2
2. Michael Clayton
1. Iron Man

Move along, there’s nothing to see here:
5. Righteous Kill
4. Over Her Dead Body
3. Conan the Destroyer
2. Doom
1. Bangkok Dangerous

Special credit needs to go to Bangkok Dangerous. Truly, it sucks.

What I also watched while I was here:

Sleeper Cell, Season 2. The wife and I had watched season 1 a while ago, and I finally made the time to see it. Very glad I did. I really, really liked season 1, and season 2 was as good. Short season — 10 episodes in season 1, just 8 in season 2 — but it’s a good show, with great characters, and an interesting view on both the war on terror and America itself. If you can see these two seasons, do.

Battlestar Galactica, Season 04. Or, up to date on Season 04. There are just ten episodes remaining in the series, and they will air in early 2009. The early seasons were about adventure and interpersonal relations; season 4 and, to some extent, season 3 are about the riddle of who the last unknowns are. I am glad I’m up to date, ready for the ending of the series, but really, I’ll be OK when it’d done.

The List of 100:

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That, my friends, is the face of Down & Out in Beverly Hills. Nick Nolte, actor and probably-rich guy, picked up for DUI in 2002.

Even the mightiest have their issues.

Fitting, I suppose.

In this movie, Nolte plays a down on his luck homeless guy. Being homeless is one thing; having your dog leave you is another.

To end it all, he sneaks into the backyard of the Whiteman residence, loads his pockets with rocks, and jumps in the pool. His dumb luck is that Dave (Richard Dreyfus) sees him jump in, and goes in after him to save him.

From there, he more or less joins the Whiteman family. And he helps them all find themselves. I suppose the lesson is that, underneath it all, you just have you, and when you physically have nothing, you really just have you. Through time, they all see something in him, and they all find themselves through him. Which was necessary, since they were all pretty neurotic and nuts. He even teaches the dog a few tricks. He has a kind of wisdom.

It’s a pretty harmless comedy — it’s from Disney, after all. It also marks the comeback for Richard Dreyfus, after his cocaine addiction had more or less taken over his life.

Forgive me if I get a bit nostalgic this week, as I finish out my summer of movies effort.

Today was our last graded event. I have my last brief. Well, I gave it twice, but still, it’s done.

I settled in tonight with Ruthless People, a classic black comedy from the god-awful 80′s. 1986, to be exact. The era of leggings and spandex skirts, of big hair and Miami Vice. And the 80′s — the high point in Zucker Brothers films — Airplane, Top Secret, Naked Gun, and all that good stuff coming to a pinnacle in American high society.

Pretty good cast — Danny DeVito, Bette Midler, Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater. Not outstanding, but pretty good. DeVito and Midler play a rich wealthy couple far from being in love, Midler as the daughter of the big boss, and DeVito as the little sh*t who marries her to get ahead in business, only to really gain nothing. Reinhold and Slater play a couple down on their luck and desperate, who kidnap Midler to demand a ransom – that DeVito doesn’t want to pay. He’s rather they go ahead and kill her.

Though dated and basking in the glory of 80′s fashion, it’s really funny. This is a watch-once-a-year kind of movie. Good story, good plot, good twists, good jokes — but the real treasure is in the fashion.

Now I’m bummed that I did not read this when I was a kid. How did that happen?

And I’m also bummed that I am seemingly the last American to see this film. How did that happen, too?

The movie is based on the book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yes, it’s one of those books that everyone is forced to read as a child, or should, or something. I was not, and I am lesser man for it. It is a fantasy tale, set in a magical world to which 4 siblings escape during the 1940/1940 German sustained bombing of England. Their escape there is through the wardrobe, in the home of Professor Kirke.

It’s a pretty awesome tale. Very creative, very original. It captures a lot of the core elements of epic tales, and of heroes and heroism.

The arrival of the four kids into the realm of Narnia signals the start of a great struggle against the White Witch, who has ruled the land for a hundred years. Their efforts, leadership, and acceptance of their roles in fulfilling the prophecy represent the potential for enormous changes across the land, and the ultimate possibility of a true revolution in the land. While the time covered in the movie isn’t that long, that time, as reflected in the impact it has, is indeed epic.

Pretty neat, for a kids movie.

And the heroism? These are kids. Young kids. Yet they quickly overcome their fears and display true examples of courage, and a willingness to accept self-sacrifice for something they see as a greater good. Adults today often don’t seem to understand this concept, much less embrace it, but here are examples of kids who do. Again, pretty neat for a kids movie.

This is one of those movies you watch with the kids. One of those movies that could and should lead to some good conversations over some chicken nuggets. It speaks volumes to one of my favorite topics — the need to learn to try hard. Our heroes in this movie do just that — they try hard and things, even when it’s things that are new to them or things that they think they aren’t ready to do. Try, and try hard.

Good movie. Good movie for kids. Good story that adults will like.

I’d give it an 8. We own it on DVD, and I am sure we’ll watch it again in the coming weeks after I get home.

The guy who loaned me The Big Lebowski told me that I needed to see Donnie Darko. I had never even heard of it. Said it was a cult classic.

Wow. It’s wild. Cult classic is the right. It’s deep. It’s complex. It’s outright bizarre. And it’ll probably take a few viewings to really understand all of it.

Before I talk about the movie, though, let me offer a few words. It was made on the cheap — $4.5 million. It was made to go straight to video, but ended up seeing a few theaters (and didn’t break even there, either). It’s had rave reviews from the critics. And it’s got a selection of big name stars in it — Mary McDonnell, Drew Barrymore, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Seth Rogen, Patrick Swayze, and Noah Wyle. OK, maybe Patrick Swayze isn’t that impressive.

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I hadn’t even turned 10 when Sid Vicious died. 2/2/79. And I am really unsure why I even remember that date.

The Sex Pistols were punk rock. I don’t know how else to describe them. They weren’t all that good — well, they had some good songs, but they also put out a lot of crap. But they were one part music, one part attitude, and one part culture. And the first to put the three together.

Why did it all work? I think it was the era. Late 70′s, coming out of Vietnam and Korea, the rise of disco and the sexual revolution, and the rebellion against, well, everything. And there were lots of other things going on, too — the Weatherman, the Black Liberation Army, the Patti Hearst kidnapping and the SLA. The modern music branches from Elvis and the early pioneers were branching more and more — in some good ways, and some bad. And punk was a whole new thing.

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I snuck off today, with the boys, to see Appaloosa. Friday afternoon, my last one here in Augusta, and we went to see a Western. On opening day. At a matinee. Just awesome.

And, it turns out, we made a wise choice on the movie. Appaloosa is very good. 7, on a scale of 10.

Some comments on the experience first, and then about the movie itself.

Friday afternoon, in Augusta, Georgia, to see a Western. Lots of people in the theater. I can say that — I’ve seen maybe 10 matinees at this same theater, a lot of them on or just after opening day (today was opening day for Appaloosa).

Lots of, um, older patrons. Lots, as in most. I may well have been the youngest guy there. Which was strange.

Lots of couples.

And lots of talking to the screen.

It was a very different group. It was actually kind of a nice treat.

So, the movie. It’s a western. I think I said that. Ed Harris (The Rock, Apollo 13, The Right Stuff, The Abyss, and a lot of others I can’t name off of the top of my head) and Viggo Mortensen (the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Hidalgo, and other stuff) play long-time partners in law, who more or less serve as hired guns on the good side. Think Seven Samurai.

And no, this isn’t Brokeback Mountain. But I bet it’s only a little bit until Brokeback Appaloosa shows up on YouTube (it hasn’t — yet).

The roll into Appaloosa after hearing the call. Bragg, the local thug, lives outside of town, and he and his men are, more or less, parasites on the town. And heavy handed ones at that. The last town marshall tried to go out and arrest two of Bragg’s hired hands, only to have Bragg kill him and his two deputies. The town needs help.

Virgil Cole and Everett Hitch (Harris and Mortensen) agree to clean things up, but only if given absolute power. Neat angle, for a western. It becomes their town, and what they say, goes. They may down new law, to include the basics like “no weapons in town, besides ours.”

Before long, a ranch hand comes forward, and tells the law about the killings. And he agrees to testify. Cole and Hitch ride out and arrest Bragg, and even manage to hold him until trial. Bragg is convicted, and Cole and Hitch load him up on the 3:10 to Puma so he can be hung (3:10 to Puma will make sense after you see it).

What goes wrong? What else — a woman. She ruins everything.

Ren?e Zellweger (Jerry Maguire, Bridget Jones, and the ever popular Me, Myself & Irene) plays Allie French, a widow who had rolled into town with no money, no plans, and a thing for men of power. And she’d set her sights on the city marshall. Who never knew what was coming.

Allie is an interesting character. Her fears seem to drive her. Widowed, she has nothing, and no prospects other than landing a man who will take care of her and provide for her. So, when things look bad for Cole, she latches onto someone else. Realistic, too, I suppose. She’s not a whole – she’s just loose.

In the end, it boils down to Cole needing to decide between settling down to a life with her, or going on with his life as a law gun for hire. Friend, or potentially-psycho-girlfriend.

Good movie. Worth seeing. Worth seeing in the theater. Yes, it’d be fine to wait and see this on DVD, if you have a good TV and good sound. See it, and then decide on buying the DVD. I bet some of you will.

I’d like to tell you that I liked this movie, but I didn’t. Skip this one.

10,000 BC is a fantastic tale. Too fantastic. Our hero leads his people and their effort to track down an enemy on horseback that came and took their tribe, and hauled them off to Egypt. In few numbers, and in gathering allies along the way, they chased them down and changed the world.

I dunno. Maybe I’m just getting old. The saber-tooth tiger was distracting — it looks that fake. The gathering of tribes seems, well, impossible. I was more interested in their hunt than I was in their trip to Egypt. I’d rather curl up with Jared Diamond’s books.

It’s not Bangkok Dangerous, but I should have picked a different movie for tonight. Poor, poor choice on my part. My bad.

This movie was not meant for me.

1. It’s just plain cruel. I’m not a big fan of unnecessary cruelty. I’m not a big fan of cruelty, period. This is a movie with a bad man who captures, tortures, and kills people, broadcasting it live over the internet. Yeah, that sucks.

2. There are 14,893 technical errors in this movie. These almost distracted me from the cruelty. Almost. I don’t know whether to advise just ignoring everything that is even remotely technical, or trying to point out the problems. Probably the former — it’d take years if i tried to do the latter.

Diane Lane plays an FBI cyber-sleuth who gets involved with tracking down this cruel killer, who operates in her own hometown. He kills a few before they figure out who he is, and when the police zero in on him he goes after Lane and her partners. The partner (Colin Hanks), of course, dies, and she nearly does.

Really, that’s about it for story and plot. Not very deep, not very complicated. It’s unfortunate that they give away the identity of the killer so early, if by nothing other than showing his face. They could have added more by suggesting it was someone from the office. Wouldn’t have mattered much, of course, but still, it would have made it a hair better.

Don’t buy this movie on DVD. Skip it if it’s at the library. If it’s showing on your flight, read the airline magazine. It’s still better than Bangkok Dangerous, by a mile.

Not a great movie. On a scale of 1 to 10, Street Kings is a solid 5. Not bad, not good, but there are so many other good movies out there worth seeing stead.

Keanu Reeves, Hugh Laurie and Forest Whitaker all star in this. It’s kind of hard to figure out what’s going on.

See, Keanu plays Tom, an LAPD cop who is crooked and something of a thug. He works for Jack (Forest), a captain who has a posse of cops like Tom who are willing to go outside the rules to get things done and who are willing to work together to sell their story to cover things up.

Tom use to have a partner. Use to. He went to Internal Affairs and ratted. The old partner gets gunned down.

And suddenly, out of the blue, Tom gets a conscious and wants to make things right.

Which make absolutely no sense. Inside of 20 or 30 minutes, his character is set up as a rogue heavy with a tendency for violence and a willingness to go outside the law, and then we’re asked to believe that he’s upset over the killing of the guy whom he thinks has ratted him out. It might be possible — it’s just not told in a convincing manner here. And that’s critical — this fight for Tom’s soul is the main theme of the movie, after all.

There are three — count ‘em, three! — subplots in this movie. One is when House — ok, it’s not House, just the guy who plays him on TV (Hugh Laurie) — tries to get him to come clean by telling him all. See, House is from Internal Affairs. It’s not a very good sub plot.

The second is between Tom and Disco, with whom he partners for a while. Until Disco dies. Not very good sub plot, either.

The last is the one between Tom and Jack. Low and behold, the old partner did not rat out Tom, but Jack. And Jack is trying to cover his own ass. It’s the whole wizard-behind-the-green-curtain sub plot, and it’s not very good.

Go watch Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead or something else that’s really, really good. Save this for when you’re in Gitmo.

Wow. This movie fails in so many different ways. Which is too bad — I was hoping it would be good.

There was no miracle at St. Anna. There was a massacre, but I think that’s different.

The four US soldiers? Yeah, they never went to St. Anna. In fact, they did not learn of the massacre at St. Anna. I suppose it’s possible that the one guy learned about it later, but in the movie, they don’t know.

Have you seen the trailer for the movie, or the print ads? There’s that statue head. Do you think that head is from St. Anna? It’s not. Think they got it in St. Anna? Not possible — the four soldiers never went to St. Anna.

Why does CPL Negron kill the old man? Is it because Negron knows that the guy had been a traitor and Nazi agent? Uh, no. Negron knows that the guy killed the captured German soldier, and cut his own neck, and can probably safely assume that he killed the other Italian guy, but from what we learn in the movie, Negron could not have known about the guy being a Nazi stooge.

If R2D2 is the character that runs through the Star Wars movies, then Angelo is the actual focus of this movie. And no, he’s not one of the soldiers, he’s the little kid.

This movie has all kinds of cliches in it. I think Spike Lee was more interested in making a movie, than he was in the story. Which hurts this movie.

It’s filled with all kinds of things — the old bitter man who, at the very end, turns to comfort the woman he’s long publicly antagonized. Stuff like that make for filler, but do not a good movie make.

Michael Ealy is in this, BTW. He’s the guy from Sleeper Cell, which I loved. He’s OK in this, but not great. But I don’t think it’s his fault — I think he got crap to work with. One minute, he’s a standard rifleman, the next he’s challenging his role in the changing culture of blacks in America, and then poof, he’s sleeping with the local talent. The story has his character all over the place, acting a million different ways. His role would have been better served if it were carved up and a few more folks added tot he squad.

Skip this movie. Even when it’s on DVD, skip it. It hurts me to say that, too.

There are still some things I need to do.

At some point, I’ll need to compile the Top Ten and Bottom Ten lists of movies I have seen this summer. Juno, I strongly suspect, will be in that Top Ten list.

Juno is a teenager who, out of boredom, sleeps with her friend Paulie. He’s in love with her — always has been, always will be. He follows her around like a puppy. Always has, always will.

She briefly consider an abortion, but decides to have the child. She finds a couple — Mark and Vanessa Loring (played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner) — who seem like the perfect couple to adopt the child. Pretty much, that’s the story.

Why is this a movie worth seeing? Juno is a strong character. Modern, sassy, a feminist I suppose, and she’s got great taste in music. She doesn’t need anyone, and it takes her the length of this movie to realize that there’s a marked distinction between need and want — a tough lesson to learn in life, one that I think too many learn too late.

It’s an honest drama, a solid story. Juno could be any of our daughters. And how it’s handled — her pregnancy and birth and adoption — all all around admirable. Pro-choice folks have found solace in the message here, just as have pro-life folks. Everyone sees it as a win. Her dad and step-mom are very good about (I love their performances, too), and I think it’s a fairly decent portrayal of the social scene of a high schooler going through this.

My favorite in the film? Jason Bateman, of all people. Yes, yes, yes — Ellen Page does fantastic as Juno. No doubt. But I had low expectations for Bateman — I always do. He’s an over the hill child actor. I guess my expectations should have gone up some after first The Kingdom and then Hancock (which were offset, I suppose, by his roles in Teen Wolf Too (!), Tropic Thunder, and Dodgeball). But he’s great in this. That quote from the beginning — that’s from him, but really, it could have been spoken by any of eight or so different characters in this movie. It was admirable that he stuck to his guns to seek out his goals in life. Very good performance.

And, I suppose, this builds some on the themes of Bubba Ho-tep from yesterday. The idea of getting old and seeing where you are in life, even if you’re 35 and writing jingles of commercials. When do dreams shift from could to should have? When do you let go? We also hit on this some this week in class — envision the leader you want to be. Which is a steaming pile of dogshit, and totally divorced from tangible things like writing music of climbing a mountain.

Good movie. See it. Find a friend who owns it — it’d be worth seeing two or three times in a year, but probably not again after that. Buy the soundtrack.

I had no plans to watch a movie this afternoon. I’d already watched one (late last night) and blogged about it for today, and was planning on closing up some odds and ends before heading out tonight to go see another movie. But then I made the mistake of checking the TV schedule (to plan what to record this week), and guess what’s on?

Doom.

This movie is based on the game series. Doom has been a pretty decent series of first person shooter games — you looking out over your weapon, shooting everything that moves. Lots of blood, lots of monsters, lots of shooting. Ditto for the movie.

Let me see if I can explain the story. I am not worried about giving away too much — no one should see this movie, ever, and if you do, knowing the plot won’t change one damn thing.

The evil company has a research station on Mars. They’re doing an archeological dig, and had found some sort of humanoid thingie. Which hunts them down and kills them. But first, they send off an SOS.

8 Marines respond. To get to Mars, they take a teleporter, which is conveniently located in Area 51 and wasn’t man-made. Once there, things don’t go well. There’s a mutating virus there — for some, it makes them into monsters, and for others, it makes them super-human. The evil corporation wants to protect the find, and the Marines — well, most of them — want to kill everything, when really they’re suppose to do the bidding of the company.

Slowly, the 8 get picked off, as do the rest of the staff they were sent to rescue. Most of the movie is filmed like, oh, a regular movie (third person), but there’s a cheesy part that’s filmed first person, like the game.

One of the baddies — the biggest and baddest — gets back through the teleporter to Earth, so the Marines have to pack up and head back, for some unknown reason. Which makes no sense at all. Why? Because there are no Marines or security forces on earth? I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter. On Earth, things keep going bad, and it boils down to our two Marine heroes to go hand to hand — one mutated into a monster, one into a super hero.

Things that are bad in this movie:

1. The story. Wow, it’s bad. Really bad.

2. The Marines are really, really bad. The Rock, as The Sarge, with his “kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out” attitude doesn’t work in any military.

3. The range of monsters in this? Wow. It’s a real stretch that one virus can produce so many different changes in so many different things.

4. Elite soldiers hit what they shoot at. Seriously. And they shoot very few rounds. Seriously. One shot here, one shot there. Precise.

5. The first person perspective. It’s amazingly bad and stupid. I know they wanted to tie the movie into the game, but it’s just stupid.

Are you a fan of the games? Skip this movie.

Are you a fan of The Rock? Skip this movie.

Do you breath? Skip this movie.

With the passing of Paul Newman, I was struggling with deciding what movie to watch today. A Newman classic, maybe? That’d be easy — I have a few with me, like the Hustler.

I ultimately decided on Bubba Ho-tep. And I decided on it for a few reasons.

1. It’s a movie about growing old. In Bubba Ho-tep, our hero is Bruce Campbell as an elderly Elvis Presley, living in a retirement home and working with a guy claiming to be JFK (played excellently by Ossie Davis), as they fight an ancient Egyptian mummy. Really. But it Elvis is dealing with the fact that he’s old and has little left in his life, really, until this mummy enters the equation. The movie also speaks volumes, I think, on the American emphasis on youth, something Newman transpired. Would Paris Hilton be interesting if she acted the same but was 54 years old? No. Not in the least bit.

2. There’s an underlying theme in the movie about the value of the old. Their souls, the movie suggests, are smaller and worth less, because they have less to live for. I doubt anyone would say that about Newman.

3. Elvis spends a lot of time in the movie thinking about what was and what could have been. I doubt Newman did that. As life changed and moved on, he expanded his interests and activities and found new things to do. NASCAR and Newman’s Own are the two biggest ones, I suspect. Not bad for an old man, much better than sitting around the dwelling on what had been or what could have been. Will Tom Cruise learn this lesson? I dunno.

Bubba Ho-tep is a brilliant movie. It really is. It’s worth owning, and worth watching at least once a year. It speaks volumes on the issue of aging.

Oh, did you have plans for this weekend?

They just changed. Go see Eagle Eye.

It is the best film I have seen this summer. Seriously. Is it playing at the IMAX near you? OMG, go see that!

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I was thinking that I was the last guy on the planet to see this movie, when at dinner tonight I mentioned to my buddy that I was going to watch it. His response? The big what?

This is a Coen brothers film, Coen brothers, as in O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Raising Arizona, The Hudsucker Proxy, Miller’s Crossing, Blood Simple, The Man Who Wasn’t There, No Country for Old Men, Fargo, Barton Fink and Burn After Reading.

I am at something of loss for how to describe this movie. It’s a cult classic, and I understand why.

The story is pretty simple. Jeff Bridges plays The Dude — an unemployed, white-russian drinking, pot smoking bigger than life character. He gets mixed up, by virtue of his given name, with a hostage / ransom situation, with a cast of great characters and great actors / actresses.

Jeff Bridges is good, though he does curse a lot. John Goodman plays a Vietnam vet and best friend of The Dude, and he, too, curses a lot. The two of them bowl as a team — besides cursing, bowling is a pretty big theme in the movie.

And so are German Nihilists. Never thought I would say that. German Nihilists. Peter Stormare, Torsten Voges and Flea play German Nihilists. Yes, this movie is that strange. Aimee Mann, the musician, plays one, too.

Julianne Moore is in this, too. She’s awesome. She is a bizarre feminist and an avant-garde artist, and in the middle of the movie, she sleeps with The Dude in order to get pregnant. Her first scene has her naked, in some sort of harness, zipping along a wire over a canvas, dropping paint.

Wildly bizarre, very entertaining, strange to the point of interesting.

I will watch this movie again in a couple of months. I won’t buy this movie, but I’d sure watch it again, and I’ll be sure to ask amongst my friends to see who does own it.

Remember when I said to see Conan the Barbarian? Do not see Conan the Destroyer.

You know that feeling you get, when you happen upon a skunk with its tail raised and pointed at you?

1. This movie features — features! — Wilt Chamberlain. Basketball sensation, and sex addict, he was probably just getting his fetish fill in making this.

2. This movie features — features! — Grace Jones. She’s a lousy model, a lousy singer, and a nightmare of an actress.

3. Three words: Andr? the Giant.

4. It’s rated PG.

Wilt Chamberlain is tasked to protect the virginity of a young girl. Wilt, the guy who claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. Which makes this all the funnier.

There’s the virgin, and the quest. There’s more stealing, and a magician this time (I favored the snakes, to be honest). Tricks, and plotting, and double-crossing. And with the PG rating, it’s all the more tame. It’s the kid-friendly Conan.

Skip it. Please. If it was just bad acting by Arnold, one could overlook it. But all of the acting is bad, the story is bad, the drama is bad, and it’s a bad knock off of the first movie.

I really wasn’t in a movie mood yesterday, as I was waiting for the season premier of Heroes to kick off.

I’m in a better mood now. So, I tortured myself — a long run through the woods, and then a really, really bad movie.

I think I was in junior high when Conan the Barbarian came out. It is mindless entertainment. And perfect for when you’re in junior high.

This movie is about adventures and cults and magic and fighting and swords. Nothing heavy here. Conan starts as a thug, and moves up from there. He makes friends with a couple of thieves, and they do ok. Their greed gets the best of them, and it’s down hill from there.

Listen closely to the early fight scenes with Arnold. They over-dubbed some fighting sounds, and he sounds like a little girl. It’s pretty funny. The bad sounds match his bad acting to a t. My favorite scene? Arnold falling face forward into his food.

Arnold was all of 35 or so when this came out. He made this, and then the sequel, and then turned around and made Terminator. Pretty much, from then on out, he could write his own ticket. Strangely, the movie has Oliver Stone as one of its writers.

Oh, and did I mention James Earl Jones? Or the giant snake? Or the awesome war paint? Oh, yes — this movie has it all!

So, yes. This is a bad movie worth seeing. It pains me to say that, too.

About a year ago, I saw the trailer for Balls of Fury.

In a word, it looked awesome.

What’s not to love? Ping pong? Christopher Walken as an Asian dude? The T1000 guy? It even had George Lopez.

Sounds great, right?

Yeah. Watch the trailer. That’s pretty much the collection of good scenes. Watching the whole movie — again — did nothing for me. Watching the trailer would have sufficed.

Do not buy. Do not rent. Borrow, maybe, if it’s from a close enough friend who’s willing to admit that they own it, and whom you’re willing to admit that you’d like to see it, out of curiosity.

This is on par with Nacho Libre. It’s still tons better than Bangkok Whatever.