Art La Flamme

In keeping with all the recent press and concerns about safety this winter, I thought it high-time I shared my thoughts about winter survival this year.

1. Dress appropriately. Good grief, Charlie Brown — so many terrible accidents could be prevented if people would just learn to dress appropriately for the conditions. That shirt can come off it’s too hot, and with that color, it can be left just about anywhere on this island and it will be perfectly camouflaged — perfect for stashing and retrieving later. And those long baggy shorts? It things just get out of hand, they’d be perfect for going commando.

2. Wear comfortable shoes. If you can, well, go barefoot. But if you’re going to be someplace adventurous, or some place where their might be sharp rocks or something, at least bring them along in case no one is looking and you want to wear them for a little bit. It’s best if they’re small and lightweight, so if you see someone, you can take them off quickly and chuck them.

3. Prepare for the worst weather imaginable. Really. Because you never know when mother nature is going to rise up and try to smite everyone. There’s nothing worse than feeling a little bit chilly, when it like drops down into the high 70’s or something crazy like that, and you slip up and say something. Or if it rains, and it gets in your eyes and stuff.

4. Bring life sustaining nourishment with you. You never know where or when you might get stuck, and there’s nothing worse than being without in a time of need.

5. Pack enough, in case you’re stuck for a while. It’s easy to think that nothing bad will happen, or if it does happen, that everything will be ok soon enough. But really, you could be stuck somewhere for a while — pack enough.

6. Do what you can to prepare for a rescue. The time to think through these worst case situations is before they happen, not after. If you’re really in a jam, you’re going to want to be ready to help out your rescuers when they do get to you.

7. Plan for what you’d do if you were without power for a long period of time. Losing power can bring that sense of helplessness — what do I do now? Who will look after my crops in Farmville?

8. Plan for back up communications. If your cable goes down, how will you update your status? Know which neighbors have open WiFi, and for those that don’t, crack their WEP ahead of time, before you need it. Because who wants to go all the way to Starbucks for WiFi?

Do this, and you should be able to survive the worst that Hawai’i has to offer. I think the kids and I will be rehearsing this all weekend long.

I celebrated Festivus today. And I am better off for it, too.

If you’re not familiar with this great holiday, well, go read the Wikipedia article. Also, go watch the Seinfeld episode, The Strike.

I aired my grievances. I’ve been feeling like Don Quixote lately, charging at windmills with no chance of ever defeating them. So, I let go. I got out my ubiquitous little green book, opened to a new page, and started a new section:

Things I Am Not Working On

And I started to list them. I just let them go. And damn, did it feel good.

When it was over — about 15 minutes later — I felt better, but was a bit sad. It was something of a turning point for me, with regards to this deployment. I came here all full of piss and vinegar, set to change the world. And here I was, writing out things that, for a million reasons, I would not be able to do.

But, it was honest. Hard to argue with the reality of it all.

So, grievances were aired. On to the rest of the holiday.

I decided that Feats of Strength wouldn’t be a good idea — heavily armed soldiers, stresses and all hopped up on caffeine, probably shouldn’t be doing anything of the sort.

So, I whipped out the cookies. See, a couple of weeks ago, I got two packages in the mail on or about the same time — cookies from my sister, and cookies from my daughter. They both had sent chocolate chip cookies, and both had made ones that were to die for.

And this week, I got another round from each.

Now, I know what you’re thinking — it’s probably not fair, to compare the two. My sister started making and sending me cookies when I headed off to Basic Training in 1995 — cookies for which South Carolina is a few inches lower in elevation, as I did about 10000 push ups because of said cookies. Since then, she has sent me and my buddies cookies more or less non stop, working on her chocolate chip cookies recipe mainly, but also the packaging (which she has down to a science, since the cookies arrive completely intact and as fresh as if they had been baked en route) and recipes for other cookies (though none compare to the chocolate chip cookie recipe.

And my daughter? Yeah, she’s barely in grade school. My sister had probably made and sent 10,000 cookies to places like Bosnia and Kosovo, before my daughter was even a twinkle in her mother’s eye. But damn — that little one, she can bake!

So, for Festivus, I grabbed some from each and headed to the office. I grabbed two neutral parties — two female soldiers who work in my area. I gave them each a hand decorated gingerbread man (actually, gingerbread soldier) from my daughter, and a chocolate chip cookie from my sister. I did not say who made what, just that they needed to eat them.

Gingerbread got rave reviews. Not just for being so damn cute, but for tasting more like cake than a cookies. But no — they could not hold off the power of the chocolate chip cookie from the sister. No contest — sister won, hands down. I gave the rest of the bag of chocolate chip ones to a warrant officer with whom I do a lot of work, to share with her soldiers. Later, she, too, gave them rave reviews. When I mentioned that they are the best cookies in theater (here), a guy nearby challenged me on that. I didn’t even have to say a word — about half a dozen soldiers jumped in to correct him, and I could tell pretty quickly who had helped polish off the bag of cookies. Not exactly a Festivus miracle but pretty cool.

So, Happy Festivus, everybody!

Inspired by this. Yes, it’s tongue-in-cheek.

1. Review the year that is about to end. Write down some of the highlights of all the good things that happened to you. Be sure to include all the basics like no more dishes, not choosing what to wear, never choosing shat’s for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or fond memories of yesteryear when you only had an 8 hour work day.

2. Share and celebrate your successes this year with your family and friends. Oh, wait. OK, try celebrating it with a bunch of semi-strangers who are armed to the teeth, amped out of their minds on caffeine, and probably wound a weeeeeee bit too tight. It’s almost the same, I swear.

3. Send greetings of appreciation and thanks to those people who have helped make this year special for you. Do it two weeks ago, because the mail takes that long. Be sure to use paper from the laser printer, because, well, it’s that or TP. Forget stamps — just write “free” up in the corner instead, and see if that works.

4. Review your current to do list for work. Be ruthless and eliminate as many unnecessary or futile tasks as you can, without doing them. Don’t worry — someone will put them right back on your list for you in the morning anyway.

5. Finish off any unresolved matters. Like Kurd-Arab tensions, Article 140 and 23, the problems with kerosene distribution, health care reform, the American auto industry, SEN Obama’s vacating Senate seat, and the future of Lebanon and the West Bank.

6. Clear up some clutter. Start with MSR Arizona and then move on to MSR Tampa. Not just the trash — go big and see about the rubble, too. Maybe the intersection at 8th and Nebuchadnezzar, because it really looks bad right now. It sure could use some flowers.

7. Go through your important paperwork and bring it up to date as much as possible. Start with your powers of attorney, and then your Soldiers Group Life Insurance. And make sure you’re getting your combat pay, etc.

8. Review how you have spent your time this year, and identify those things that have been draining your energy. Don’t bother writing them down — you are in the Army, after all, and it’s not like you can really do much about it anyway. Begin to say NO this year to things that you don?t really want to do. Wow — I almost said that with a straight face. Say no… yeah, that’s a good one.

9. Be different and do something new. Because the Army loves that. A nice broach? A ribbon in your hair? Grow out some mongo porkchop sideburns. Streak. Stop wearing your reflecting belt over one shoulder, but instead as a thong. Sleep in. Salute with your left hand, Benny Hill style.

10. Start walking every day for at least 20 minutes until the New Year begins. Be sure to wear at least 100 pounds of extra gear — water, ammo, armor, steel plates, grenades, a tourniquet, etc. Because it’s not the walking that’s as important as the effort you have to put into each. damn. step.

11. Rest and relax. Sit back and turn on the TV, and realize that you get no channels. Open your fridge and pour yourself a nice, cold….. water. Drag that chair outside and enjoy the dust and flies.

This has been the week of motivational posters for me. I have no idea why. But they are funny as hell. I favor the Army ones and the military ones, but the photo bomber ones are pretty good, too.

I uploaded a bunch to my Flickr account, here.